"foX-Men" Re-Watch: X-Men The Last Stand

 "X-Men: The Last Stand" (2006)

After the triumph that was "X2: X-Men United," things kind of fell apart behind the scenes. Bryan Singer left the film to make a pretty terrible Superman movie. He was replaced by director Brett Ratner, a guy who was best known for the "Rush Hour" movies. Oh yeah. This is going to be great.

Principal photography on "X-Men: The Last Stand" began in August 2005 and ended in January 2006. At the time of it's release, it was also the most expensive film made. The film stars Patrick Stewart as Charles Xavier/Professor X, Ian McKellen as Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto, Hugh Jackman as Logan/Wolverine, Halle Berry as Ororo Munroe/Storm, Famke Janssen as Jean Grey, Anna Paquin as Rogue, Kelsey Grammer as Hank McCoy/the Beast, James Marsden as Scott Summers/Cyclops, Rebecca Romijn as Raven Darkholme/Mystique, Shawn Ashmore as Bobby Drake/Iceman, Aaron Stanford as John Allerdyce/Pyro, Vinnie Jones as Cain Marko/Juggernaut, Elliot Page as Kitty Pryde, Daniel Cudmore as Peter Rasputin/Colossus, Ben Foster as Warren Worthington III/Angel, Michael Murphy as Warren Worthington II, Dania Ramirez as Callisto and Shoreh Aghdashloo as Dr. Kavita Rao. The film was written by Zak Penn and Simon Kinberg. It was directed by Brett Ratner. "X-Men: The Last Stand" was released on May 26, 2006.

Contemplating firing their agents.

"X2" was such a good movie. Just try to remember that while you're watching "The Last Stand." I've seen this movie a few times and each time I watch it, I'm shocked that it got released how it was in the first place. That being said, it's not the worst film in the series. Nope. We have that to look forward to very soon. 

I'm going to spend a lot of this ragging hardcore on this movie, so why don't we start with the few positives. The action scenes in the movie are pretty good. They feel a bit more amped up than in the previous films, which if you're familiar with Brett Ratner's oeuvre then that shouldn't be a big surprise. Each one is pretty exhilarating, whether it's the Magneto freeing Mystique from her traveling prison to the smackdown at Jean's childhood home, which features Juggernaut tossing Wolverine through the ceiling and him dropping down behind him. The climactic battle on Alcatraz is frenetic but in a good way. And I never get tired of watching Magneto be the most extra, ripping up the Golden Gate Bridge and using it to cross to Alcatraz. If the only reason you came to see "X-Men: The Last Stand" was mutant powers being showcased in cool ways, then you probably left the theater a happy camper. 

Kelsey Grammer might be kind of a garbage human being but he's a great Hank McCoy. Hank is basically Frasier, so why not get the guy who plays Frasier to be Beast. I have to mention Shoreh Aghdashloo who was a standout on the show "24" and is killing it on "The Expanse." It's unfortunate she gets shown no respect as Kavita Rao. God bless, Ian McKellen. He's really the only actor that can make this trite, cliche ridden dialogue work and he does a ton of heavy lifting in this movie. He's also one of the only actors who genuinely look like they are having fun. 

Now if you went into "The Last Stand" looking for some sort of coherent story, you were out of luck. The thrust of the film is a "cure" for the X gene developed by Worthington Industries. There is definitely an interesting story to be told here and if you want to read that story, I recommend the first volume of Joss Whedon and John Cassady's "Astonishing X-Men" run because what you get here is a hodgepodge of ideas that never really mesh into something that is cohesive. The movie doesn't really know how it feels about this "cure" or what they are trying to say with it, so the whole storyline falls super flat. 

What the fuck?

Not satisfied with one half baked plot line, the movie decides it's going to try to shoe horn one of comics most complex storylines into a movie that barely clocks in at over 90 minutes. Yep, they decide they are going to try their hand at telling their version of "The Dark Phoenix Saga." Oy. I'm not sure why they thought this was a good idea. They had sort of planted the idea of the Phoenix in X2 and I was hoping they'd pick it back up in the third film, but to quote Jan from "RuPaul's Drag Race," not this. The movie begins with Xavier and Magneto visiting a young Jean, showing off some truly atrocious de-aging. Jean is like 10 and uber powerful. Cut to the present, where Jean calls Scott back to Alkali Lake where she is alive and her hair has grown a lot. How much time has passed between "X2" and "The Last Stand." Jean kills Scott. Is found by Storm and Logan and Xavier explains that Jean is a level 5 mutant (come on, random classification system that is never clarified or explained) and in order to help her he walled off a lot of her darker, power impulses which would manifest into a secondary personality they called the Phoenix.

Jesus Christ. I've read fanfic that is better than this. What comes next is Jean going crazy. Making out with Logan. Trying to fuck. Heading back to her parents house. Killing Xavier. Running off with Magneto. For the last half of the movie, Jean is basically a non entity. A tree in the background, waiting to pop in during the third act to try to kill everyone for... I mean... who knows? I don't and I've seen this movie so many times. Wolverine kills her and is super torn up about it, but like, this relationship was never developed enough for anyone to care so any emotional resonance falls totally flat. Seriously. This is garbage, mama. Poor James Marsden. Scott is killed and barely anyone mentions it. I hate Cyclops but even I'll admit he deserves better than that.

I'm listening.

The new characters are a big lot of who the hell cares? Aside from Beast, they are just canon fodder basically. Vinnie Jones' Juggernaut is a YouTube video come to life. I think I audibly groaned when he said, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch" in the theater. Poor Elliot Page. Finally bringing one of the most beloved X-Men, Kitty Pryde, to the screen and this is what they get. A romantic obstacle in one of the lamest movie love triangles in history. Was this a love triangle? I couldn't even tell you. Also, why did Kitty's X uniform have pink accents? I mean, I guess they did have a bad ass moment leading the Juggernaut on a merry chase, but I'm not sure that was enough to make up for having to watch Kitty and Bobby moon over each other near the iced pond outside the manse. Oh and Ben Forster's Angel was... there along with wings I'm pretty sure he stole from the Aflac duck. 

Our returning actors get no love either. Mystique and Xavier are pretty unceremoniously dumped. Mystique has one of the cringiest lines in the whole movie (and that's saying something) when she tells an interrogator that she doesn't answer to her slave name. Ugh. Then, she gets hit with the cure and is left shivering, naked on the ground. Well, at least people got to objectify her non painted body one time in this trilogy. Xavier is killed by Jean in the movies first third. Something that Stewart did not know was going to happen when he was brought on. Oh and I guess Anna Paquin was in it. 

True Love

The movie is chock full of unearned fan service. We all wanted to see a legit Danger Room sequence or a Sentinel but not like this. A fastball special? So cool. But again, not like this. It is almost like the writers read a handful of "X-Men" comics and then decided to throw these things into the movie willy nilly. There is the aforementioned "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch" bit. Bobby finally ices his whole body but it is so brief, like who cares? What's the point? I know that Halle Berry lobbied for Storm to have some more badass moments in this movie, and she does. I love her hitting the Brotherhood with lightning at Jean's house, but then that's really all she does. And they nerf her, hardcore. Does anyone believe that Callisto would be able to take down Storm this easily? This is just like Toad beating her in the first movie, but like worse, because you'd think she'd have learned or improved since that happened. 

I could go on here, but it's late and I think I've spent as much time as I need to on this. Let's all just again be thankful that Disney has control of the X-Men and this is the only time we'll have to worry about the Dark Phoenix Saga being shoehorned into one movie. Oh wait.

Next up, things get worse as we dive into Wolverine's backstory.

I'd love to hear from you all. Is there anyone out there who really enjoys this movie? If so, why? I'd really like to know. If there are things you hate, that I didn't mention, please, let me know that, too. You can mention it all in the comments.