On the premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race All-Stars, it's all about brand loyalty and all that jush

RuPaul's Drag Race All-Stars, Episode 1: "All-Star Super Queen Variety Show"

Hey Kitty Girls! Christmas came early and I'm not talking about that regrettable rendezvous you had with that mall Santa. No, it's the premiere of the seemingly annual now "RuPaul's Drag Race All-Stars." Now in season 4. Let's be real, All-Stars 3 started strong but was a dumpster fire by the end. Trixie Mattel made it into the Drag Race Hall of Fame due to a controversial jury vote that left Shangela out in the cold. So, you'd think I wouldn't be excited about another installment 9 months later, but I am. This cast is great and for the most part, they deliver. Let's dive in to this premiere.

Last season, RuPaul took a tale about a dystopian possible future where women have no rights and gays are killed and made it kicky and fun. (I keed. I live for Chad Michaels "Ooohhh bitch.) This season, it's all about super heroes, because those are still a thing and Ru hasn't run that well dry. So, we have comic panels of Chad, Alaska and Trixie and a remix of Ru's song "Super Queens" available on iTunes. Ru knows all about marketing herself and playing to her strengths and the things she's most well known for. It seems that perhaps these ten queens were cast for that same reason. And that becomes apparent from the jump.

Reclaiming her time

Each queen that saunters in the Werk Room capitalizes on their individual brands. Monique Heart is brown cow stunning, Trinity Taylor re-brands herself in her first interview to accentuate her tight tuck, Naomi Smalls has legs, Monét X Change is the sponge queen (at least in her interview), Gia is shady, Farrah Moan whines, Jasmine Masters has something to say and Valentina is both fan favorite and a snake. It's a testament to their qualifications as all-stars, but it's also something that can get really old, really quickly. The gals discuss that eight queens seems like not that many when Mama Ru enters the Werk Room and confirms that there are some twists and turns in store.

Team Latrila

Team Latrila is back, back, back again after competing in the universally reviled first season of All-Stars. The queens are ready to walk at the prospect of another round of teams. Ru's just playing though. Manila Luzon and Latrice Royale are competing individually this time around and it's clear the eight other queens are a little shaken at the prospect of competing alongside Drag Race royalty. Manila continues the theme of referencing your Drag Race greatest hits, by wearing a version of her Big Bird dress from season 3. It's my favorite entrance look. It's referential but also new. The tire tracks across the front, the x's over the eyes, Manila's running mascara and bandaged forehead are great. It's fresh and self effacing and a nice change from the bodysuits and just averageness that came before it. The worst entrance look is Jasmine Masters. She's wearing an ugly, floral pantsuit. It's like she dressed for a job interview that she felt like she had to go to but she didn't really want the job. It's a mess and that unkempt wig isn't helping anything.

This mini challenge is an All-Stars tradition: reading. Reading is fundamental, but these reads are a little lackluster. Latrice is the clear winner and the show lets us know this by showing three of her reads as opposed to the other queens two. Farrah bombs harder than she did in the roast of Michelle Visage and the worst part is that she seems completely unaware that she was terrible. It's not a good sign when the comebacks of the people. you're reading are funnier than your actual reads. And Gia is just mean. 

Speaking of Gia Gunn, she is the most entertaining queen and most polarizing queen of this first episode. Prior to All-Stars airing, Gia has outright denied she's part of the cast, trumpeted her status as the first openly trans contestant and shaded Ru at every turn. In her confessional, Gia would have you believe that the shady character from season 6 is gone and Gia is back to show America that she is a proud trans woman who accelerates in the art of drag. That may be true, but every comment, raised eyebrow and side conversation she has in the Werk Room proves that season 6 Gia and AS4 Gia go hand in hand. As soon as she's there Gia is shading everyone she comes into contact with and not in a fun playful way. Trinity sums it up best by saying, "Gia's not the same. She's worse!"

The maxi challenge is the traditional variety show, but this year everyone in the audience will LGBTQIA service people. Gia continues to shade anyone who has the misfortune of telling her what they plan to do. She's not impressed with Monique's original song "Brown Cow Stunning" and doesn't think that Trinity's tucking tutorial is a talent. The queen who earns the most of her vitriol is Farrah Moan. Gia doesn't believe that Farrah deserves to be on All-Stars and she can't even be bothered to pronounce her name correctly. Sorry Farrow Moan. Oh and Jasmine Masters is going to stand up off the cuff. That'll be great.

The variety show is entertaining. Monique, Trinity, Monét, Naomi and Valentina all lip sync to their own original songs. Monique and Trinity fair the best. Monique sings live and is high energy and high kicks. Trinity is cute and the audience is gagged at the reveal of her tuck at the end of the number. Monét doesn't do great. She is so off-key at the start that I'm pretty sure somewhere Phi Phi O'Hara tossed a voodoo doll to the side once it was over. Monét's number is an example of how depending too much on your brand can be detrimental. Her sponge leotard is basic and at least two sponges fall off during the performance. It's a lesson for the other queens: stop relying on those brands.

I was more impressed with Manila, Latrice and Gia. Latrice lip syncs to one of her tracks, but she couples that with an impressive color guard routine that had the audience freaking out. Gia's kabuki routine is breathtaking. It's gorgeous and fluid. I've watched it like three times and it still takes my breath away. I've never seen Gia look more comfortable on the Drag Race main stage. Manila's painting routine set to "March of the Valkyries" is baffling at first, but once what is going on becomes clear it's pretty cool. It is more impressive the more you watch it, especially considering that Manila times everything to the music and does the quick change behind the easel.

Jasmine Masters and Farrah Moan bomb and bomb hard. Jasmine's decision to not write any actual stand up material is a terrible one. She tries riffing on her viral bad breath video, but shockingly, lots of loud declarations about eating ass and ass breath and stop eating asshole does not a comedy routine make. Farrah does a burlesque routine and she is not Roxxxy Andrews and she is not here to make it clear. Farrah commits the cardinal sin and slips and falls on part of her discarded costume. She doesn't recover and the best I can say is at least she finishes the number and didn't run crying off stage. Also, are we sure Gia isn't some sort of witch?

The top 3 are Monique, Trinity and Naomi. So, Monique and Trinity, I can kind of see, but Naomi? Her performance was fully just safe. Her track was like a sequel to Milk's from last season and that wig pull was cute, but enough to make her top 3? Over Manila and Gia? I'm unconvinced. Monét is dressed down for her performance with Michelle giving her the "this is All-Stars, step your pussy up" critique. The harshest critiques are saved for Jasmine and Farrah. Ross gets what Jasmine was doing. People say he's funny too (based on Michelle's look when he says this, she remains unconvinced), but stand-up and viral videos are not the same. The nicest things they have to say about Farrah's performance is that she looked pretty and guest judge, the effervescent Jenifer Lewis gives her the clearest critique, stop with the nerves, that shit is boring.

Trinity and Monique are the top two and the meetings with the bottom two go about as you'd expect. Farrah cries and Jasmine seems cool with everything. While no one loves the former, it's the latter that turns out to be the issue. The lip sync to Mariah Carey's "Emotions" is fine. I'm not a huge fan of the dress Trinity wears and Monique tossing her wig into the rafters is hilarious, it doesn't earn her a win, but it does earn her the gentlest rebuff from Ru she could expect. Ru helpfully reminds her that some queens duct tape their wigs to keep them on their heads. I hope Monique gets it. Keep. Your. Wig. On. Unless you have another wig underneath.

Trinity earns the win and sends Jasmine on her merry way. Bye jush. Good luck with that next interview. Hope its for a job you really want.

As we close out this first episode, let's rank the remaining queens:

9. Farrah Moan (for obvious reasons)
8. Monét X Change (the sponge queen needs to get it together.)
7. Valentina (her little lip sync was cute, but cute doesn't cut it in AS4)
6. Manila Luzon (Manila could go all the way and I expect a lot from her in the coming weeks.)
5. Gia Gunn (Gia was really robbed. That kabuki was everything.)
4. Latrice Royale (Latrice was great in the challenge and won the mini, hence her high place.)
3. Naomi Smalls (Still not impressed. Sorry.)
2. Monique Heart (Facts are facts, America)
1. Trinity the Tuck (Winner, winner. Chicken dinner.)

There we have it. I'd love to hear what you all think! I'm so excited Drag Race is back. Who are rooting for? Do you agree that the top 3 was a little janky. Let me know in the comments.