"foX-Men" Re-Watch: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

 "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" (2009)

I mean, I don't even know how to introduce this. So, after "X-Men: The Last Stand," a solo Wolverine movie seemed like a good idea. He's mega popular. Hugh Jackman is great at playing the character. He's got charisma to spare, so why not have him star in the first solo X-Men origin story? What could possibly go wrong? Nothing, right?

Principal photography on "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" began in January 2008 and concluded in May 2008. Production was the definition of troubled. It faced multiple delays due to weather and Jackman's other commitments. The script still wasn't finished while shooting was happening, the director and Fox executives were fighting about the direction of the movie and an unfinished work print of the movie was leaked on the internet a month before its release. All great things. The film stars Hugh Jackman as James Howlett/Logan/Wolverine, Liev Schreiber as Victor Creed/Sabretooth, Danny Huston as William Stryker, will.i.am as John Wraith, Lynn Collins as Kayla Silverfox, Kevin Durand as Fred Dukes, Dominic Monaghan as Bradley, Taylor Kitsch as Remy LeBeau, Daniel Henney as Agent Zero and Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson. The film was written by David Benioff and Skip Woods. It was directed by Gavin Hood. "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" was released on May 1, 2009.

Brotherly Love

So, yeah. I haven't seen "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" since I saw it in theaters. It's been 12 years and absence has not made the heart grow fonder. What's their to say about this movie? Well, it is moving pictures committed to film with actors reading lines that were written for them. It is technically a movie. 

Right from the start, this movie is a hodgepodge mess. The actor who plays young James Howlett is actually Troye Sivan, who now is a famous singer who you may know from his songs about bottoming. He was not a great child actor. I say this with love. It's fair that the awful script didn't help, but he isn't great. I hope that he has either great memories of filming this or he has zero memory of it all. Anything in between is unacceptable. The kid who plays young Victor Creed is a nobody. And he's not a great actor either. This movie starts off with stuff that could fill a whole movie: adultery, murder, patricide. That's just the first five minutes of "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" and that isn't a compliment.

This movie basically ignores a lot of the continuity established by the first three movies. I don't know if they thought fans wouldn't notice. There's one thing that comic book fans are known for and that is their disregard of established continuity. Oh wait, no. We love that. And we will mercilessly roast you for fucking it up or at least not acknowledging that they fucked it up. So many baffling choices in this movie and the first one is making Logan and Creed brothers. Why does that need to be a thing? They could still be mortal enemies without them being related. It's so dumb. The movie doesn't want to do any of the work in making actual conflict or using the characters to make you care, they just want to go the cheap and easy route. Why build up an actual relationship with Creed and Logan when we can just make them brothers. See, built in conflict. Who needs a screenplay?

Grr, argh.

The same can be said for Logan's relationship with Kayla Silverfox. There's no reason for anyone to care about it. She is set dressing in human form. A catalyst for Wolverine to do what Wolverine do. For all intents and purposes she gets fridged, but guess what? She's not dead. She's alive, but she was spying on Logan the entire time. So, not only is she a plot device, she's also a bad woman for not standing by her man and betraying him. That's even worse than just being a simple motivation for the main character to seek revenge. There is only one punishment that is enough for something like that. You guessed it. Death. There is some halfhearted attempt to make her death mean something and Logan forgetting who she is at the end is supposed to be played as tragic, but really, no one cares because we don't care about Silverfox or her relationship with Logan.

Liev Schreiber is a great actor and is a good choice for the recast Sabretooth, but man, he is not served well by this movie. They don't work on any sort of character development. Creed is immediately just a bloodthirsty killer/attempted rapist. Lowest common denominator. Logan is literally his brother's keeper and like, is this Sabretooth the same one from the first "X-Men?' And if so, pretty weird that Logan wouldn't acknowledge his own brother, right? Or not? Who cares.

I guess this is Gambit?

"X-Men Origins: Wolverine" introduces lots of random comic book characters who are there because the movie can't only have Wolverine and Sabretooth. William Stryker is the main villain because people loved him in "X2" and "X2" is a great movie so if we transplant a younger version to this move then that will make this movie good too, right? Right?! RIGHT?????!!!! This movie adds nothing to the character of Stryker. He is basically the same dude from "X2." No additional layers. No reason for him to be in the movie except that he mentions knowing about Logan's past in "X2." The members of Team X could be anyone. It was just let's throw in these mutants. Wraith? OK. Maverick but we never call him Maverick? Sure. Fred Dukes aka the Blob, but his mutant power isn't how big he is. He does gain weight but it's because he's depressed. And then we can make fat jokes. Aren't fat jokes funny, guys? He thinks Wolverine is calling him "blob" instead of "bub." It's great.

Isn't it crazy that Gambit, one of the most popular X-Man, and this is what he gets for live action. Maybe like 10 minutes of screen time? A lackluster action scene? He's basically a glorified pilot and then disappears until the end of the movie. Cool.

Just... no.

The biggest FU is to Wade Wilson aka Deadpool a character whose popularity is on par with Wolverine's. What is the abomination on the left? I can't even explain it. I was hopping mad when I left this movie. I am pretty sure I would rant to anyone who listened about how this wasn't Deadpool. My friends were probably sick of hearing about it. If there is one silver lining to this it's that due to the consistent championing of Ryan Reynolds we ended up getting two movies starring the Deadpool we deserved with a third one on the way that will be officially part of the MCU even if it's on another Earth. So, one good thing came out of this mess.

Some more stray awfulness from this movie. The adamantium bullet that causes Logan to lose his memories. How. Fucking. Lame. Seriously? That's the best they could come up with. They couldn't have Logan lose his memory during the Weapon X process, so an adamantium bullet. Like, who wrote this. Oh, well, it was David Benioff. One of the show runners of "Game of Thrones." We should not be surprised that last season was so terrible. He was one of two people who were responsible for this mess. Oh and if you ever have any issues with the de-aging technology that is done in the MCU, take a look at Patrick Stewart at the end of this movie. It is truly nightmare fuel.

Let's try to end this on a positive note. Are there good things about "X-Men Origins Wolverine?" There is one good action scene between Creed and Logan when they initially fight in the bar parking lot. And, you get to see Hugh Jackman naked. That's it.

Next up, it's reboot city with "X-Men: First Class."

Oy. This movie. Does anyone like it? I'd love to hear why if you do. Are there other terrible things that I missed? Let me know in the comments.