Into the DC Murderverse: "Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice"

 "Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice" (2016)

Man, I am a sucker. One of the major downfalls of being a huge fanboy is that it becomes easy to forget past transgressions when you feel like your fanboy ness is being catered to. This is exactly what happened to me when Zack Snyder announced "BvS: DoJ" at San Diego Comic Con. I completely forgot about the hot, shitty mess that was "Man of Steel," because icons were finally going to be on screen together for the first time. And if Batman and Superman weren't enough, they were going to introduce Wonder Woman. I'm a huge Diana fan so like, that was all it took. They released the trailer and it looked not bad. I wasn't sold on Jesse Eisenberg as Lex, but I was a Batfleck supporter. I was so gullible. Sigh.

Principal photography on "Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice" began in May 2014 and concluded in December 2014. The film stars Ben Affleck as Bruce Wayne/Batman, Henry Cavill as Clark Kent/Superman, Gal Gadot as Diana Prince/Wonder Woman, Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Jeremy Irons as Alfred Pennyworth, Laurence Fishburne as Perry White, Diana Lane as Martha Kent, Holly Hunter as June Finch and Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. The film was written by Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer. It was directed by Zack Snyder. "Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice" was released on March 25, 2016.

I get it. I want to touch Cavill, too.

Full disclosure, this is only the second time I've watched "BvS: DoJ." I saw it in the theater and thought, yeah that was probably enough of that for me. That being said, I still bought the Ultimate Edition on blu-ray when it came out because I'm a masochist apparently. I just stuck it on my shelf and that was it until I fired it up this week. I thought maybe the UE would be a better movie, but that wasn't the case. I will say that the UE sort of fleshed it out a little bit and helped it become a more coherent movie, but coherent does not equate with good. Much like "Man of Steel," it is difficult for me to fathom how this movie with this script got made. How did people at DC think that this was representative of their most beloved, defining characters? Why are Gotham City and Metropolis across a bay from one another? Why the fuck is everything so dark?! I'm getting ahead of myself.

This movie pretty much lost me from the very beginning by once again trotting the Waynes out to be murdered. Look, there are a handful of superheroes that have become so ingrained in the pop culture lexicon that even if you aren't a comic or superhero fan, you know how their origins. Superman is one. Spider-Man is one. Batman is one, too. We didn't need the Snyderfication of it. Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Lauren Cohan deserve better. Snyder does what he does and amps up the violence in the scene. Rather than just shooting them in the chest, the dude has to hook his gun under Martha's neckless and shoot her in the neck. Why? Why did that need to happen. Fucking Zack Snyder.

Oy. In the first 20 minutes of this movie we are getting some heavy 9/11 imagery. Snyder is not one for nuance and it does him zero favors in this film. Then we are dropped into Lois and Jimmy Olsen interviewing an African warlord but actually Jimmy is a CIA agent because of course he is and then the General threatens to shoot Lois, but Superman slams him through three concrete walls. That totally killed him, right? I mean, how could it not? No one blinks twice about it. Later Superman is quick to point out he didn't kill any of the people Lex's goons deep fried, but you did kill that general. So...

Do you bleed? Fuck off.

The performances in this movie are... something. I'm down with Ben Affleck playing an older, grizzled Dark Knight Returns style Batman. Cavill gets to be a little more Superman-like and there are some exchanges in the movie that I did appreciate that felt true to who these characters are. For example, the first meet between Clark and Bruce where they are taking each other to task over their respective alter egos. This feels like something I've read before. Holly Hunter does her best as Senator Finch. I love Holly Hunter so I'm willing to give her a pass. It's hard for anyone to lend gravitas to this ridiculous dialogue but you can see her trying to will it into her performance. She deserved better. 

Jesse Eisenberg. Who thought that this was a good idea? I'm not sure what his direction was. Did he read any Superman comics? I'm guessing not. If he had, he probably would have re-thought his decision to play Luthor as Mark Zuckerberg if he was the Joker but was a powerful businessman. Even if the majority of the movie wasn't a hot shitty mess, I could never forgive this low rent Heath Ledger as the Joker impression. No ma'am.

"BvS: DoJ" just does way too much and none of it well. It crams so much into the movie and doesn't have the time for any of it. Not only is there the flimsy story of Batman and Superman going after each other, but there is the introduction of Diana and the other metas that will make up the Justice League. Then, Snyder decides he wants to cram the Death of Superman story into the last 30 minutes of this bloated turd with his bastardized version of Doomsday. Living up to being a member of the Murderverse, Snyder's Batman fully kills so many people. Batman who is notoriously anti-killing throws all that out the window. And we shouldn't have been surprised. If Superman is going to murder, than Batman is definitely going to murder. Snyder tried to defend the Batmobile scene by saying that Batman never directly kills anyone but leaves them to die or something. You're splitting hairs here, doll. And he does kill people directly. He drags a car behind him and then uses it to crush another car that contains people. In what world, would that not result in death.

Seriously, I could go on for a while about how awful this is. The dialogue. "Do you bleed?" So bad. The infamous Martha moment. The fact that this whole fight between the titular main characters makes no sense, but I think I'll end by giving the movie a bit of weak praise.

Goddess

Gal Gadot. Full stop. She is a beacon of light and hope in this movie. She fully embodies Diana Prince. Her exchanges with Bruce are pitch perfect and it just makes me sad that we couldn't have had more of that in this movie. I was nervous when they announced her casting, because I'd only seen Gadot in the "Fast and Furious" movies and I don't think she had more than 10 lines of dialogue total in all the movies she was in. She proved me wrong. As Wonder Woman, she exudes the grace and power that Wonder Woman has. There are so many little nuances that I love. There is a scene where Doomsday smacks her aside and after she hits a dumpster or something she looks up gives a little grin and goes after him. That is Wonder Woman. She will always try peace first, but when she has to, she will fuck you up and she will sometimes revel in the thrill of battle. 

Yeah, that's it. Garbage. And there are people who like this. Who defend it. I... I can't.

Next up, we meet Harley Quinn. Oh and the rest of the Suicide Squad.

As always, I'd love to hear a defense of this from someone who legit enjoys it. If that's you, lay it out for me in the comments.