A Long Time Ago, During the Clone Wars: The Movie

 Star Wars The Clone Wars

OK, so chronologically in our "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" re-watch is the justly maligned movie that actually started this whole thing off. I don't think we should waste time dilly dallying. We should just get this over with.

Narrator: "A galaxy divided. Striking swiftly after the battle of Geonosis, Count Dooku's droid army has seized control of the major Hyperspace lanes. Separating the Republic from the majority of it's Clone army. With few clones available, the Jedi generals cannot gain a foothold in the Outer Rim, as more and more planets choose to join Dooku's Separatists. While the Jedi are occupied fighting a war, no one is left to keep the peace. Chaos and crime spread and the innocent become victims in a lawless galaxy. Crime lord Jabba the Hutt's son has been kidnapped by a rival band of pirates. Desperate to save his son, Jabba puts out a call for help. A call the Jedi are cautious to answer..."

So yeah. Jabba's son is kidnapped. Obi-Wan and Anakin are tasked to get him back. Anakin gets a new Padawan learner, Ahsoka Tano. They butt heads immediately. Turns out, Dooku is behind the kidnapping. He wants to frame the Jedi and have Jabba and the Jedi take each other out. He then has a hold of the Outer Rim and he installs Jabba's uncle, Ziro in his place. Can the Jedi stop this and save poor Stinky... er... Rotta?

The not quite dream team.

We should address the elephant in the room right away. This movie is a terrible. It's a horrible representation of what "The Clone Wars" would end up becoming and it is a horrible representation for Ahsoka Tano. I totally understand stuff like this can be subjective and this very well may be someone's favorite "Star Wars" movie. If that is you, you may just want to skip this. I am going to try to highlight some of the good, but there is very little of that to be found here.

Let's start with some of that good though. Ahsoka Tano. Now, this introduction did her real dirty and there was no indication that she would end up becoming the beloved SW character that she is today. In this, she is annoying and childish and just seems to be there to irritate Anakin and by extension the audience. I remember really not enjoying her during this and ready to continue that when the show premiered, but luckily, that didn't happen. They smoothed her out and she showed real growth and now she's in my top 5 all-time favorite "Star Wars" characters. 

What else is good? What else is good? Let me see. Umm... Samuel L. Jackson voices Mace Windu for a scene or two. That's cool. Christoper Lee is voicing Count Dooku. It's always nice to hear him. There is more Obi-Wan and Ventress banter, which if you read my last "Clone Wars" recap, you know I enjoy that. In general, I love how "The Clone Wars" made Obi-Wan a little looser and more dandy-ish. It works really well when he is faux flirting with Ventress during their battle. Though, it does sometimes go a little too far into the camp arena like when he's having tea with the Separatist general and "negotiating the terms of surrender.

I'm not posting a pic of Jabba's kid.

We have to talk about the bad, you all. And we might as well just get to it. The whole plot of this thing is flimsy as fuck and the writers know it. It is 98 minutes long and let me tell you, that's about 30 minutes too many. This thing is padded to the max. I usually am a fan of the action sequences in "The Clone Wars," but there are just too many here. It's like you're getting whiplash going from one action set piece to the next. That's not always a bad thing, but they are just so repetitive. It can be difficult to differentiate one from the next. And because of the amount of them the plot of the movie gets even shorter shrift than it was before. The ending is so rushed that I was left thinking, that's it? All that for... that. Seriously?

They really do Jabba dirty in this whole movie. Yes Jabba is a filthy gangster slug that gets choked out by Leia in a bikini, but obviously he is savvy enough to be this bigwig on Tatooine and through out the Outer Rim. So, why does he fall so easily Dooku's plot. I get it. He's out of sorts because his kid is missing. Cool. But would he really buy that the Jedi kidnapped him and then killed him? With no push back? Even if you have a not favorable opinion of the Jedi, this feels like a stretch.

Then there is Jabba's son himself. I guess his name his "Rotta." I'm not sure if that is ever said in the movie, but his name may as well be "Plot Device." I am not sure if he's ever mentioned or seen again, but good riddance. Though, it does give the movie some choice body odor and belching jokes, so there's that.

Padme shows up in the third act because she was in the prequels, too. She goes to talk to Ziro the Hutt and get captured because of course she does. Oh Ziro. The less said about him the better. He feels like another queer coded villain just filled to the brim with stereotypes. Awesome. Padme is rescued, Jabba gets Rotta back, Ziro is exposed and the Jedi get access to the Hyperspace lanes they need. Alls well that ends well and shockingly fast. Uff da.

Oy vey. Well at least we get this out of the way early and can move on to greener, Rotta-less pastures.

Grade: D

Next up, we get an in-depth look at what goes into being a Clone trooper.

What do you all think? Are people too hard on this? Do you love it? What are we missing? Let me know in the comments.